Depends On How You Look At It

For one reason or another, I haven’t been feeling so great these past few days. It’s nothing big, or at least that’s how I talk myself down. I’m fine when I close my office door, jump on video calls, and get into work mode. In those moments, I can kind of forget all the stuff that’s bothering me and focus on my job and coworkers. We have a great time, even though, like any workplace environment, there are challenges. Being the boss is exactly as stressful as I always imagined.

One reason I’ve been out of sorts lately is Kenzo. This morning was a bit of a drama fest. He’s been home sick for the last four days, and today was his first day back at school, and he wasn’t thrilled about it. Even though it’s Friday for goodness sake. Just one day and then it’s the weekend. He’s eight-and-a-half, and I keep reminding myself of this one truth: he’s not giving us a hard time… he’s having a hard time. Being a little boy is both incredible and excruciating. I sort of remember.

Kenzo usually walks home with his friends and other neighborhood kids, but today Eri asked if I could meet him at the school gate. She wanted to make sure he was doing okay. Oh, and he was still mad at me for accidentally eating his donut last night. It was a total accident. I thought it was left over. He proclaimed, in true theatrical fashion, that he hated me. Fatherhood.

So I waited near the school gate for 20 minutes in the cold wind, trying my best to blend in. Blending in isn’t easy when you’re a big white dude standing outside a suburban Japanese elementary school. The kids poured out onto the streets and many of them were like oh Kenzo's dad and eventually Kenzo spotted me. He was... not happy.

He refused to walk or talk with me. Fine, I thought, I’ll just follow him home. At one point, he shouted, “I hate my family!” with a level of conviction that was both heartbreaking and kind of impressive. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or do both at the same time. I ended up laughing, but only on the inside because I didn’t want him to see. I said something like, “Sure thing, bud bud. Let’s head home. I’ve gotta get back to work and it’s freezing out here.”

On the walk home, I noticed something. More houses going up. Again. This neighborhood is going through a serious generational turnover. Mid-20th-century houses are being replaced one by one with shiny new ones. Ours was one of those replacements, though ours isn't as shiny or cool as some of these sleek new places being built now. As the months and years go by, the houses are getting nicer, and the neighborhood feeling is changing. Luckily, there are still plenty of older folks living in older homes, keeping the charm alive.

The thing I try to prioritize most as a father, husband, and human, though I fail at it a lot, is staying calm and in control. No wild outbursts, no yelling, no losing it. If Kenzo and Osamu are going to grow up to be confident, strong people, they need parents who model what it looks like to have control over yourself… even when life gets complicated.

On my evening walk I was watching the sun set and had a bit of a realization about myself. I think I thrive in clarity, but I’m also surprisingly comfortable in ambiguity. Maybe I’m both, or maybe I’m neither. It depends on how you look at it.