Ideals/Reality

I am an idealist. I am an optimist. I am a realist. I am a pragmatist. 

And yet if you were to drill down on any of these labels with me I am certain you would find evidence that I am not any of those things. And furthermore, you might even find that I don't even truly have an understanding of what those things even mean.

It's been about a month, but I went back to my Friday night group therapy tonight. I wrote it on the family calendar and Eri came in to my "office" this afternoon and said, "You're going, right?" To which I did what I always do and kind of turn away and avoid answering, as if she's just going to forget we had this exchange and move on to something else.

I do the same thing all the time in a variety of ways...

1. I need to do ___.
2. I don't feel like doing ___.
3. I decide to not do ___.
4. Eri says I should do ___.
5. I put off ___.
6. I then do ___.
7. I feel great after doing ___.

Aaaaaand repeat.

So I went tonight. I walk. From my house to the subway it's about 25 minutes. Now that the heatwave has calmed down the air is glorious. Strolling down the hill, crossing Route 4, stopping for a quick bowl of yangnyum chicken at the Korean bento counter and eating outside, little by little I was starting to get the dread back - what am I going to talk about? When the doc points to me and says it's my turn, what do I say?

I don't feel anxiety when I go to my therapy group. I feel anxiety on a Tuesday morning when things are haywire. That's when I have things to say. After an exhilarating walk and Korean chicken that hits the spot and time to stretch my brain out people watching and staring at the setting sun I have nothing to share with a head shrinker.

Except that gets proven wrong every single time.

Tonight I found out that one possible source of my anxiety is that I have crazy strong ideals about who I want to be and who I should be, and that the reality is I am not that person. The gap between the ideals and the reality, where I apparently may be living, is something I have subconsciously felt but could never conceptualize until today.

So I have some stuff to think about. Good stuff. Constructive stuff. And I have no idea where to start. Luckily I walk a lot.

Last night I made time to watch a movie on Netflix that a friend recommended, and it was gooood. But the best part was I treated myself nicely and made a movie-watching snack: canned oysters, crackers, and bourbon.