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Nobody Knows

"When I become a grandpa is mama gonna die?"

I was so busy trying to scarf down dinner while peeling an apple for the boys' dessert and rinsing dishes and getting the bathtub ready that I neglected to put on some music. For better or for worse, Kenzo used that silent time, well except for Osamu's constant monologue of redundant observations and questions, to do his soul-searching. He's a bit worried about death these days, and I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. In my usual style, though, I am way more nonchalant than I should be about it. 

Eri's at her web design class every evening this week. It's just me and the boys. Even though we miss mama, I kinda relish this time I have with Osamu and Kenzo. Sure, it's exhausting. Eri leaves at 14:45 and today I had a customer meeting on Zoom from 15:00 to 17:00, during which the boys came in with snack boxes asking if they could eat them and asking if they could go outside and Osamu even wanted to use my earbuds, the very ones I was using in the meeting he was interrupting.

We made it through though. Somehow. Eri left instructions with the dinner prep she did for us. 


She was particularly concerned that I didn't know what komatsuna was or how to put it in soup. I'm familiar enough with komatsuna for a 47-year-old caucasian gaijin. For some reason she also drew a picture of a saucepan and I'm worried that if I ask why she'll tell me.

Eri reluctantly joined me for my full lunchtime walk today. 


When I headed down the path into the ravine where Dounji is she started to back out and say she was gonna walk back on her own, but she ended up going along. On the way back we took a road with a steep uphill incline and she got pretty annoyed. She asked me why I like fresh air so much. She said she never feels the strong urge I do to get fresh air. The idea of spending so much time outside or even with the windows open is strange to her. She likes comfy. Not too warm, not too cool, not to breezy, not to bright. Sometimes I wish I were more like that. If I valued and enjoyed comfy I might be easier to get along with. Instead I annoyingly revel in getting super sweaty on a humid August afternoon, hiking up and down rocky paths, being stinky, playing with beetles, rolling the windows down, sleeping in capsule hotels, and walking in the rain.

My reply to Kenzo was this.

"Nobody knows. That's the funny thing about dying. No one knows when it will happen. But dude, I will tell you this. You are a little boy with a long life ahead of you and there are things that you don't need to worry about right now. If you want to think about it and ask me questions, do it. I love your questions and if I don't know the answer we'll find the answer together."


Eri got home just after I tucked the boys in. Osamu was already knocked out, but Kenzo was hangin' on. When mama came in he beamed at her in a way that only little boys can do. He adores mama.

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