I’m not sure if it’s the medicine that I take for my anxiety and my obsessive compulsive behavior, or whether it’s something that Eri is doing, or maybe it’s the weather, but I’m finding it a little bit easier recently to deal with a lot of little things that would normally make me freak out.
I went into the kitchen this evening and Eri had left one of the cabinet doors open, so I closed it and I said, "I closed the cabinet door." Narrating my actions is an exercise I do to keep balance.
I told her I closed it because I’m afraid of somebody bumping their head, but in reality we both know that’s only a small fraction of why I felt compelled to close the cabinet.
It’s the fact that something has been left open and needs to be closed. I took a deep breath and went slow in my mind so as not to fall up my spiral staircase of anxiety.
Eri said she left it open on purpose because she’s going to be needing some more stuff out of the cabinet and if her hands are dirty she can easily grab what she needs without messing up the cabinet door. To which I responded, "Oh, great. Aaaand I think it’s better to close things that need to be closed."
Terrible narration, but narration nonetheless.
She laughed at me, as well she should. She knows how I am and I think she’s fully aware of the internal mental struggle I go through every day being married to her. We joke about it sometimes. But we also both know that for as difficult as it is for me to suppress my neuroses about little things like lint on the staircase or the right direction that the ceiling fan should be spinning in at the present moment, I know that it is at least 10 to 12 times more difficult for her to be married to me.
After lunch I don’t even remember how I made it through the day. I had a meeting at 13:30 and Eri's mom came by to drop off some melons, and most importantly at 15:00 I had to meet the neighborhood association gardening folks to get ready for tomorrow’s flower planting event. I must’ve planted about 20 sunflowers, but those old folks easily did 50 each. I’m probably exaggerating.
Kenzo headed off for school as happy as any little boy can be on a Friday morning. Even though I worry a ton, I love seeing him walk down the road and out of sight with his neighborhood friends.
It's tempting to be heartbroken about your children taking off, but I believe it is to be celebrated. Sometimes I get asked, "Don't you want your boys to be safe from (fill in the blank with whatever social thing going on)?"
The answer is always, "Yes, and..."
If I do my job well as a parent then they will not only be safe in and of themselves, but they will get in there and get dirty and possibly even injured and hopefully inspire others and be a part of making our society better. We desperately need more people with grit and empathy who aren't afraid of the world.
And that's my goal in a nutshell. To raise my boys so they have grit and empathy, so they can both tackle as well as accept the world.
So off Kenzo went this morning. I would really love to see the world from that lizard’s perspective as he spends his time with his new lizard friend in this strange little box outside of our house. Then he gets taken to school every day by a little boy and during recess time and other play times he gets taken out and passed around to a bunch of other little boys, who probably aren’t thinking with the lizard's best interests in mind.
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