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Shame Carefully

Kenzo squished an ant with his fingers while we were waiting for the kids down the street to join the walking to school caravan. I told him that was gross and that the ant probably didn't want to be squished. He said he didn't do it on purpose.

I timed my afternoon walk perfectly today and was just in time to catch Kenzo and his walking home friend Hidekazu up to some mischief.


There's a designated way to walk home that all the kids are supposed to follow. No detours are allowed. Kenzo and Hidekazu are new at this, and they are loving the independence of walking to and from school on their own and with their friends. 

When I met up these two they were not only heading off down a street that is not the right street, they told me they even stopped to play at a park. That is also against the the rules. They're supposed to go straight home and then if kids' parents say it's okay they can go do whatever.

When Kenzo and I said bye to Hidekazu and finally walked in the front door Eri was there waiting and asking what took so long. Kenzo told her and I filled in the parts he was leaving out, which I'm sure he appreciated. Eri got very serious and reminded him about what his teachers taught him and what mama and papa say about walking to and from school safely. He knows and his face showed some intense little boy regret.

For my part, I know I have to be a good father and make sure to teach the boys about these things and even put on a stern face when they disobey or engage in mischief. And I did that today. On the inside, however, I was really happy for Kenzo. He has a sort of Tom Sawyer part of him that I hope flourishes as he grows. He told me that he and Hidekazu veered off the path home to chase a cat. I love that. They also went looking for lizards and stopped to play rock paper scissors while they got a drink from their thermoses.

I can never really share this with Eri and the boys. I have to be a good role model and help the boys become good members of society, and I also think that being a good member of society means owning a certain amount of healthy entitlement. Kenzo broke the rule and he knows and will likely not break it again in the same way, at least for a while. I think the experience of breaking a rule as a child is critical for one's development and self-awareness. Most kids do it in one form or another. For me, the key is to use shame carefully. Yes, they should feel a certain amount of shame because they did something they know they're not supposed to do, but if you make them feel shame for making a conscious decision, right or wrong, and owning the responsibility for it then their self worth and that healthy entitlement will erode I think.

After a two-hour talk with my boss on budget related topics and staff performance I took a walking break to one of my favorite spots.


The trees along this street are fully blooming, and down there at the end you can see clear across Izumi, all the way to downtown.


Eri commented that I don't praise her cooking like I used to. I think she's right, and I don't know what happened. So tonight I heaped on the praise but I think it backfired because it was just udon.

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